This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.