Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
You Might Also Like
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either