I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
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I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.