[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Fight
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap