My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
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-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.