Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
You Might Also Like
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Merica.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.