Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
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I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist