Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”