Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy