ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
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A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I remember when things only cost an arm.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!