Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
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IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss: