My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Beware of the “party goblin”…