9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
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