What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented