Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
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wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Planet of the Apps.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls