Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that