therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.