me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.