I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
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[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Adultry does not sound fun at all
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
🤣😂
This is sending me to another galaxy
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones