For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
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Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it