My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Mornin
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*