After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
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Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.