Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
this is literally a CIA plant
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”