Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.