need a new bf mines broken 😐
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[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
WHO DID THIS?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Its a hippotatomus
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.