It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
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sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it