Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
brian had himself a morning…
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.