The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*