i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
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*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.