The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?