Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
You Might Also Like
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.