I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You Might Also Like
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?