[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
You Might Also Like
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”