Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Monday
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.