Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
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[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
absolutely not
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Guilty! 🤪
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage