[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
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*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I’m not wrong
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad