“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
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Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn鈥檛 hear the barista
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
that鈥檚 exactly what a van without puppies would say
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.