I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.