There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
mom had nothing to worry about
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does