God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
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How to draw a duck
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.