Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
This is hilarious….
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Found the job I’m suited for
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.