People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.