The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.