me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
You Might Also Like
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Encore…
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.