Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
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everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Only short people can save us
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.