Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!