I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?