[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
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Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
What?!?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Battery falling down a hole
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat