Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
yeah 😭