Love thy neighbor’s dog
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being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
meow
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.